Heart Full of Love Read online

  “I think it’s time, Ellie.”

  For once her mother’s tone was calm, comforting, and breaking through the pain. With Mamm’s support she continued toward the house, thankful her mother was by her side.

  CHAPTER TWO

  As Sarah Lynne pulled into the Millers’ driveway, she saw her brother, Chris, pacing in front of his barn. When he noticed her approaching, he walked to her buggy. She stopped the horse and handed him the reins before climbing out. “What are you doing outside?” she asked him as he looped the reins over a tying post.

  “Edna won’t let me see Ellie. It’s been seven hours since labor started.”

  Sarah Lynne saw the pain etched on her brother’s tanned skin. Chris had always been dark, his hair nearly as black as the coal in her stove back home. But since he started working construction soon after he and Ellie married, he had a perpetual tan, even in the winter. She put her hand on his arm. “She will be okay. Barbara is a gut midwife. And you know Edna won’t let anything happen to Ellie.”

  Chris nodded, but her words didn’t seem to bring him much comfort. “I should be with her. Not out here, doing nix.” He looked at Sarah Lynne. “She’s in so much pain.”

  “But not lasting pain. Besides, she doesn’t need to see that you’re worried.”

  He leaned against the fence post. “You’re right. I’m always the one telling Ellie not to worry. That everything’s going to be okay. It wouldn’t do for me to give her pause now.”

  Sarah Lynne tilted her head. “Chris . . . she will be all right. The bopplis too. You believe that, ya?”

  “Ya.” He ran his hand over his face, weariness seeping into his brown eyes. “Although I’ve had a time convincing Edna of that. Don’t get me wrong. I am glad she’s been here while I’m at work, especially today. If Ellie had been alone when she’d gone into labor . . .” A look of panic entered his eyes.

  “But she wasn’t.”

  “Thank God.” Chris hung his hat on the corner of the tying post. “Still, Edna continues to drive me ab im kopp sometimes. I don’t know how Ellie keeps her patience. I’ve been trying to keep her fretting from affecting Ellie, but it’s been difficult.”

  Confused, Sarah Lynne frowned. “Is there a reason Edna is so worried?”

  He shrugged. “I’m not sure. I haven’t brought it up with Ellie, but I’ve noticed how her mamm is even more overprotective than usual. She’s concerned Ellie can’t handle the babies, or that something is going to be wrong with one of them . . . or both. We all know how strong Ellie is, and Barbara has given us only gut reports about the pregnancy. Yet Edna can’t seem to let her fear geh.”

  “Have you mentioned it to Ephraim?”

  “I don’t have to. He sees it too.” Chris sighed. “Hopefully after her grandbabies are born she’ll be able to relax and enjoy them.” He looked at Sarah Lynne, giving her a half smile. “I’m glad you’re here. We haven’t seen much of you since Ellie started to show.”

  “I wish I could have visited more. But I’ve been helping with the farm now that Isaiah has had to take on extra work.” She had married Ellie’s cousin a year before Chris and Ellie had married. Isaiah had wanted to make a go of the farm, and he had. But they couldn’t ignore the economic realities, and Isaiah had found work at a local factory. They were saving every penny for the day they started their family . . . whenever that would be.

  Chris began to pace, and Sarah Lynne could see he’d only partly heard her. She put her hand on his shoulder, stilling him. “Why don’t we check on Ellie?”

  He nodded eagerly and grabbed his hat. As they neared the house, Sarah Lynne’s excitement grew. “Twins,” she said glancing at Chris. “I can’t wait to meet them. Will they be girls or boys? Maybe one of each?”

  “I just hope they’re healthy.” He shot a look at Sarah Lynne. “And maybe one of each.”

  Sarah Lynne chuckled. “I knew it.”

  As soon as they entered the house, the midwife came out of Ellie and Chris’s bedroom, a large grin on her small, round face. “She did it,” Barbara said.

  “Is she all right?” Chris asked, his tanned face suddenly growing pale. Sarah Lynne realized that for all his talk about being calm and steady for his wife and mother-in-law, he had been holding a lot inside. “The bopplis . . .”

  Barbara put her hand on Chris’s shoulder and smiled. “Ellie and the bopplis are fine. Two maed, as sweet as can be. And yer frau, she is incredible. There were no complications, although she is very tired. I expected her to be in labor longer, but those bopplis were ready to be born.” She motioned to the bedroom. “Kumme and see yer dochders.”

  Sarah Lynne stayed back as Chris left with the midwife. She briefly touched her own flat stomach. Would she and Isaiah ever have a family of their own? After three years of trying, she was starting to doubt.

  She clasped her hands together and forced the thoughts away. Today was her brother and sister-in-law’s day to celebrate the miracle of life. Two lives, strong and healthy. She thanked God for the tiny blessings.

  Despite the residual pain coursing through her body, Ellie was eager to hold her daughters. When she first heard one tiny cry, then two, she had laughed through the tears pouring down her cheeks. She was exhausted and ecstatic at the same time.

  “Where are the bopplis?” Ellie asked, her voice sounding weak with weariness.

  “Here is the first one.” Mamm placed a tiny bundle in the crook of Ellie’s arm. The baby was clean and wrapped in a soft flannel blanket.

  “What does she look like?” Ellie asked, running her fingers over the top of her daughter’s downy head.

  “Beautiful, like her mother.”

  Ellie smiled at Chris’s voice, turning her head in his direction. “You’re a little biased.”

  “Maybe.” She felt the springs of the bed give as he gently sat down next to her. “I’m holding the other one, and they’re both perfekt.” His hand brushed away her damp hair, allowing the breeze from the nearby window, now open, to cool her forehead. “How are you?”

  She leaned her cheek against the baby’s head and smiled. “Happy,” she said. “I’m so happy.”

  He continued to stroke her hair. “I wanted to be here, by your side,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. “But yer mamm—”

  “It’s okay, Chris.” Ellie lifted her face. “Tell me what they look like. Are they identical?”

  “They look like babies to me.” Chris chuckled. “Barbara said they’re fraternal. Both have dark hair. The one I’m holding has a little more than the other. She’s also got a tiny dimple in her chin.”

  “I suppose we should name them, ya?”

  They had discussed many names over the past few weeks, but hadn’t come to a conclusion for either boys or girls. “This one is Irene,” she said, sliding her finger down the baby’s tender cheek and over her tiny chin.

  He paused. “After mei grossmutter? I thought we had decided not to name either one after members of our families.”

  “Ya. But the name feels right for her, don’t you think so?”

  “She looks exactly like an Irene.”

  “What should we name our other daughter?” Ellie said, her eyelids growing heavier.

  “Julia,” he said.

  “After mei grossmutter.” She smiled. “Can I hold Julia too?”

  “Of course.”

  Ellie opened her other arm and Chris nestled Julia in the crook. She tilted her head toward Chris and smiled. “They’re finally here,” she whispered, fighting off the weariness that threatened to take over.

  “Ya,” he said, brushing her cheek with the back of his knuckles. “They finally are.”

  “All right, that’s enough.”

  Ellie’s eyes flew open at her mother’s voice slicing through the precious moment.

  “Ellie needs rest,” Mamm said, taking Irene from her.

  But Ellie wasn’t ready to let go. “Christopher?” she cried as Julia was also lifted from her arms. She didn’t want
to rest. She wanted to hold her babies.

  “Yer mamm’s right,” Barbara said. “You do need to rest. Your body has been through a lot. Don’t worry, you’ll get to spend plenty of time with them soon enough.”

  Ellie could hear a soft cry from one of the babies. “But they need me now.”

  Chris rose from the bed and kissed her temple. “I’ll bring them to you later. Sleep now, Ellie. You’ve earned it.”

  She nodded, her eyes already drifting closed as she heard everyone leave the room. Then silence. After the excitement and pain of giving birth, being able to hold her precious babies, to spend a brief but special moment with her husband and their twins . . . now all she felt was emptiness. And alone.

  “Why did you take them away so soon?” she mumbled, her eyes stinging with tears as she closed them, drifting off into a fitful sleep.

  Sometime later Ellie’s eyes opened. She had no idea how long she’d slept, and she didn’t feel refreshed. If anything, she was agitated. She shifted slightly in the bed, ignoring the throbbing in her body. She stilled when she heard low voices right outside her doorway.

  “I don’t know how she’ll handle the babies, Barbara.”

  Ellie frowned and then sighed. Of course her mother was still worried about how she’d manage. But how was she supposed to figure out how to be a mother when she couldn’t hold her own babies for more than a second?

  “I’m sure she’ll be fine, Edna. Ellie is a smart woman. She does very well considering she’s . . .”

  “Blind. You can say it. And you’re not telling the truth, Barbara. I can see it on your face. You’re as concerned as I am.”

  “I wouldn’t say concerned, but realistic, ya,” Barbara admitted. “There will be some challenges. There always are with twins.”

  “And when the mother is blind? Ellie doesn’t know anything about taking care of a baby. Now she has two. She and Christopher should have waited until they were more prepared.”

  “Edna, listen to me. All this worry is going to affect your dochder—and the babies. They can pick up on the tension.”

  Ellie struggled to sit up. Her babies could sense stress?

  “Ellie will be a gut mudder,” Barbara continued. ”But she will definitely need help. Has she made arrangements?”

  “I don’t know.” Her mother sounded hurt. “Anytime I tried to talk to her about helping out, she changed the subject.”

  Ellie’s face heated. That was true. But her mother had always made it sound like Ellie wouldn’t be able to do anything to care for her own babies. And she didn’t want to be a burden to anyone—especially her mother.

  “She’ll have to talk about it soon. But not now. You and Christopher are here—that will be enough for the time being. I’m going to check on Ellie. She’s been asleep for two hours.”

  Two hours? What about the twins? They had to be hungry by now. When she heard Barbara walk into the room, she asked, “Where are my babies?”

  “They’re fine.” Barbara’s voice was soothing, but that didn’t keep Ellie from wanting her children. “They’re in the cradle in the extra bedroom.” Ellie sensed Barbara nearing the bed, and within a few seconds, she felt the woman’s hand on her arm. “How are you feeling?”

  “I want to see them.”

  “Are you in a lot of pain? I can get you some herbal tea. That will take the edge off.”

  “I want to see my babies!” Ellie didn’t understand the utter panic going through her, the whirlwind of emotions that churned like a storm inside. She only knew that she needed her twins with her.

  “Ellie, listen to Barbara.” Now her mother had come in and was walking toward her. “She said the twins are fine.”

  “They have to be hungry.” Ellie’s breasts ached to feed them.

  “They’ve already eaten.”

  “What? How?”

  “Barbara and I gave them formula. We thought that was best.”

  “You thought that was best, Edna,” Barbara said quietly.

  “You made that decision without me?” Ellie pushed off the covers and felt for her cane. “Where’s Christopher?”

  “He’s outside taking care of the animals,” Edna said, her calm infuriating Ellie.

  “I need to talk to him.” Surely Chris didn’t know what had happened. How could her mother have decided how the babies were to be fed without even consulting her?

  “Barbara,” Mamm said evenly. “I think Ellie could use that tea now.”

  “I don’t want any tea!”

  “Ellie. Enough.” Her mother sat down on the bed near her. “Barbara, please bring the tea.”

  Once Ellie heard Barbara’s footsteps disappear, Ellie said, her voice growing sharp, “Why are you keeping the bopplis from me?”

  “Because they’re sleeping, Ellie. You shouldn’t disturb them.”

  “I’m their mother—don’t tell me what to do!” Sobs choked her, a mix of anger and something else she couldn’t define. She shouldn’t be crying like this. She shouldn’t be so weak. Yet she was powerless in the face of the emotions overtaking her.

  “You’re being irrational.” Her mother’s voice was stern but soft. “Now listen to me. I talked it over with Christopher while you were sleeping. He agreed with me that it would be easier for you to bottle-feed the babies. They both need to be on the same feeding schedule, and someone else can feed one while you feed the other.”

  Ellie wiped her eyes, unable to speak. It sounded logical, but she wanted to be consulted. “Where did you get the formula?”

  “I bought it awhile ago.”

  “And you never said anything to me?”

  “Ellie, anytime I brought up making a plan for the babies, you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  “That’s because you always tell me what to do. It wouldn’t be my plan. It would be yours!”

  Her mother didn’t say anything for a moment. Ellie crossed her arms, tears streaming down her cheeks. Was this how she was supposed to feel as a new mother? Her emotions out of control? Her resentment growing toward her own mother—even her husband? This wasn’t how she imagined it would be after the babies were born.

  “Here’s the tea,” Barbara said when she returned. “I already had it steeped and ready for when you woke up.”

  Ellie paused before uncrossing her arms. “Set it on the side table. Please,” she added, realizing she had sounded rude.

  The soft thud of the ceramic mug touching the wood echoed in the room. Her mother stood. “I’ll get supper started. I imagine Christopher is hungry.”

  Ellie ignored her mother, still resenting how she had taken over. But once she was sure Mamm was gone, Ellie slumped and put her head in her hands. “I’m sorry, Barbara. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  Barbara sat down on the bed and rubbed Ellie’s back, the rounding motions feeling soothing underneath Ellie’s thin gown. “It’s all right, Ellie. I understand.”

  Turning her head toward Barbara, Ellie shook her head. “My relationship with my mother is . . . complicated.”

  “I know. And right now your emotions are fragile. It’s the hormones from giving birth. You’ll be more settled in a few days. Please drink the tea. It will help you feel better.”

  “I hope so.” Ellie felt for the tea, then cupped her hands around the warm mug. She took a sip, not recognizing the blend of herbs in the lightly flavored tea. “Right now I feel helpless.”

  “Trust me, Ellie, you’re not. But you are tired, and I’m sure in some pain.”

  Ellie nodded.

  “I know you don’t want to, but you do need to get as much rest as you can. The bopplis will sleep a lot at least during the first week or so, and you need to take advantage of that. Soon enough they’ll be keeping you up at all hours.” She patted Ellie’s hand.

  “I know you’re upset with your mother right now, but she is here to help. And she’s partly right about the bottle-feeding. The twins do need to be on the same feeding schedule. It will be easier on all three
of you that way. If not, you’ll be feeding one or the other the whole day and you won’t have time for anything else. ”

  “You don’t think I could manage breastfeeding them.”

  “I never said that. But you need to do what’s best for you and the twins. There will be times when bottle-feeding will be easier.”

  “Because I’m blind?” Ellie sounded snappish, but she didn’t care.

  “Because they’ll be hungry at the same time. Two babies are hard for anyone to handle. But you can also breastfeed them.”

  She felt a glimmer of hope. “I can?”

  “Ya. I’ll show you before I leave. I’ll also show you how to use the hand breast pump for when you’re unable to breastfeed. But regardless of how you feed the bopplis, don’t be afraid to ask for or accept help.” The sheets rustled as Barbara stood and smoothed the bedclothes back over Ellie’s legs. “That’s not a sign of weakness.”

  Ellie nodded, but she didn’t completely believe Barbara’s words. If she could see, would everyone be treating her this way? Would she feel this way, growing more and more doubtful that she could take care of her own children?

  “Is it all right to come in?” Chris’s voice sounded tentative near the doorway.

  “Of course, Chris,” Barbara said as she placed pillows behind Ellie’s back. “I’ll check on the babies. If they’re awake, I’ll bring them to you, Ellie, and you can try feeding them. They ate a couple of hours ago, so they might be hungry again.”

  “Danki, Barbara.” Ellie set down the mug and leaned back against the stack of pillows. Chris sat down beside her. She felt him take her hand, but she turned away from him.

  “Ellie?”

  Tears stung her eyes, then slid down her cheeks. She didn’t understand. This was supposed to be a happy day, one of the happiest of her life. Instead, she couldn’t even face her husband, not wanting him to see her tears . . . her weakness.

  He didn’t say anything else, only stroked her hand. She felt the familiar roughness of his skin from the past two years of working construction. Her eyelids fluttered as the tea began to take effect, and she shifted her body down so that her head was against the pillows.